You know what really turns me on? Whining.
Why don’t you whine some more and then I’ll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Boys, as Christmas approaches. . . Whenever we say “Oh, don’t be silly, you don’t need to get me anything,” it means “I want to be so special to you that you had to get me something, even though I pretended not to be materialistic when I was trying to get you to stop playing video games and kiss me the other day.” That is what it means.
Consider today’s quote a cautionary tale.
I don’t blame you for not finding the right gift amongst the Spongebob Squarepants socks and blindingly neon lingerie of the mall, but how about flowers, you lazy f*ck?
Sometimes, there’s more drama offstage than on.
I’m going to wager that his thoughts, had we filled in the words instead of a lingering ellipsis, would have been something like this.
This is almost like one of those marketing tactics where you drop a worse bomb so that your bad news doesn’t seem so bad. Almost.
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Oh wait. That’s way f*cking worse.
This guy probably had the best of intentions… but he loses all points in the delivery.
“Get ready, because I’m marking you as mine. Your body is about to go to from wonderland to wasteland in five…four…three…two…”
Let’s just hope he can chill out enough to stop thinking of “all other men” while they’re in the bedroom.
What’s better than being taken out to dinner by your honey?
I’m all about being as frugal as possible, but if you’re taking someone out? Bitch can get a drank! If you’re that broke, take her on a long romantic walk.
Also, be kind to your waiters. Please don’t shout, “waiter!” Although in the context of this comic it is pretty perfect.
What’s a little fraud between sweethearts?
Nope. It’s not totally fine. There is nothing fine about this.
Long distance sucks, folks. We all know it. And college can be a particularly trying time, because every summer you have that pesky vacation when you might have to go home. And then you might not be around to play flipcup with your boyfriend and his fraternity brothers every week.
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Obviously. Who doesn’t want to welcome “the freshman experience” back into into their dorm room? He might as well have just said, “I’d like permission to gain 15 pounds, throw up on myself, and give you an STI in the fall.”
I get an awful lot of quotes about people who have cheated on each other. But this guy has entwined his infidelity with a “blame-the-victim” mentality in a way I’ve never seen before.
Yep. That’ll show her.
To round out the weekend, I thought I’d level the playing field a bit. Here’s a quote by everyone, ever.
Not even if you and I had the last phones on earth.
thingsmyexsaid 