Yep . . .That IS what he said.

Category Archives: Career

I don’t even know if this can qualify as a backhanded compliment, as I have yet to see where the “compliment” part is. I guess she’s tall?

(Click to enlarge)

(Click to enlarge)

Ugh. How many shades of this man are we going to see on this website? Men, can you get it through your heads that alluding to someone being too fat is just not okay? Yes, even if you are a doctor. Save it for the clinic. You leave me to imagine that you think I’m pretty, and I’ll leave you to imagine it’s okay to have two chocolate croissants for breakfast. And we’ll both die of the American Condition early, but happy.

Or, you know, keep picking on your loved one’s nose and thighs and feet and upper arms. What do I know? I’m just a voice on the internet.

Speaking of voice, rehearsals for Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret are going great!!! I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it! Performing on Monday, 12 May and  Friday, 16 May at 7:30 PM at the Grand Ballroom in Sloan’s, Glasgow. Come see your favorite quotes brought to life against a backdrop of badass 90’s tunes. Tickets on sale now!

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Okay guys, confession time! I dropped off the radar. And no, I didn’t care enough to call. The irony of my website is now complete, and I’ve turned into that guy.

I went home to New York City for reasons both professional and personal, and was quite frankly just having too much fun to dwell on all our shitty exes. Actually, that’s not true. There’s been a lot of work done on TMXS behind the scenes in my absence. Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret goes up next month! And we’ve been planning our presence this summer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! And maybe I got laid. That’s a big enough deal to forget all responsibility and commitments for, like, a month, right?

And so, in the spirit of self-interest, I bring you this guy:

decisions considering myself

There you have it, folks! Took him five years to figure out he should be living for himself. What a genius. I wonder how much longer it will take for her to figure out the same…

Man, it’s great to be back to our regularly scheduled sarcasm. I hope you’ve been enjoying the spring fever and making smart choices. But if you haven’t, you can still submit your quotes here and see them resurrected here on the website!


Big news today! I am happy to announce that Things My Ex Said: the Cabaret will premiere in Glasgow this May! Produced in association with The Royal Conservatoire of Scotland, we’ll be lighting up the stage with some of your favorite quotes from this website and some of your favorite angsty 90s rock tunes.

More details to come! We’ll be on at the Grand Ballroom in Sloan’s the week of May 12!

And now, in honor of our first official band rehearsal and production meeting, here’s another quote you may be shocked to discover comes from my own life. (Two in a row! We’re on a spree!)

me or acting

Guess which one I chose.


I wonder if he uses this pick up line on all the ladies.

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

I’ve never dated a police officer, but to me this sounds like a bad crime procedural. Truth really is stranger than fiction. On the bright side, at least she knew he was unarmed!

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


I’ll be taking next week off, folks! I’m traveling around Europe and probably going to be too hungover to even look at a computer screen. But since it’s winter and it’s cold, I wanted to leave you all with warm thoughts. To send us off, here’s a quote that makes me think of the sticky, sweaty, dusty, don’t-touch-me part of summertime.

starting to look like a lez

You’re right. Let me slip into that cute Banana Republic wrap dress I bought on sale for $80 and never wear because I’m afraid I’ll get pit stains in it. That will look great when I give the old mare a rub down.

That’s all for now, folks! Have a happy holiday and a great New Year. And remember, if you want to see quotes from your own misadventures in love up here in 2014, send them in!


It’s back-to-school time! And that means all over the world, reluctant kids are stuffing their feet into shiny new light-up sneakers. But sometimes, a fully fledged grown up wants to go back to the classroom and improve her skill-set. And when that happens, it’s so great to have support and encouragement from the one she loves.

BACK TO SCHOOL

…Or that.


If you look at sitcom fodder, nabbing a doctor is supposed to be like winning the lottery. A doctor? Break me off a piece! I want one! Let’s make him a pediatrician, so I’ll live in a fab house and my kids will be the healthiest kids in the world… Well, ladies and gentlemen, doctors can have some ambitions of their own.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Oh wait. Not worth it. Back to dating unemployed aspiring….whatevers… in three, two, one.



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