Folks, what’s up with using other people to masturbate? Come on now.
Nothing like skipping ahead to the “comfortably disillusioned” phase right away!
To some people, I guess size really is everything.
Well, let’s see, let me break out my measuring tape….
Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!
Okay guys, confession time! I dropped off the radar. And no, I didn’t care enough to call. The irony of my website is now complete, and I’ve turned into that guy.
I went home to New York City for reasons both professional and personal, and was quite frankly just having too much fun to dwell on all our shitty exes. Actually, that’s not true. There’s been a lot of work done on TMXS behind the scenes in my absence. Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret goes up next month! And we’ve been planning our presence this summer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! And maybe I got laid. That’s a big enough deal to forget all responsibility and commitments for, like, a month, right?
And so, in the spirit of self-interest, I bring you this guy:
There you have it, folks! Took him five years to figure out he should be living for himself. What a genius. I wonder how much longer it will take for her to figure out the same…
Man, it’s great to be back to our regularly scheduled sarcasm. I hope you’ve been enjoying the spring fever and making smart choices. But if you haven’t, you can still submit your quotes here and see them resurrected here on the website!
In a truly committed relationship, it’s important to be selfless…
Wait a minute. What?! How can he expect anyone to actually fall for that? And yet, why do I imagine someone has?
Listen. In a relationship, it’s important to be selfish. It should be a relationship with someone you want. He or she should treat you the way you want. And you should behave like the person you want to be in relationship. And if the person you want to be happens to not be diseased and pregnant, then you know this guy is full of crap.
…What if she replied with, “Actually, I’m protecting you, since I have syphilis.”
Shopping with your significant other can be dangerous territory.
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“When” I look good? When I look good I’m going to try on a different style of boyfriend. Oh wait. I already do.
It you are having doubts about your relationship, ladies, remember to check your meds first.
Wow honey, you’re right! This doesn’t have anything to do with us as a couple, and your avoidance of answering my question clearly means nothing! It’s just my silly lady hormones clouding my brain and making me moody again! How could I ever take care of myself without you?
Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid! And don’t forget to check back tomorrow for the final installment in our Valentine’s Day Countdown!
Sometimes, life gives your relationship a test. In this case, we observe how this boyfriend and girlfriend would fare when it comes to the “in sickness and in health” part of a marriage vow.
Yikes. Better luck next time.
We’ll forgive that she refers to herself in the third person as “your beloved” for now, seeing as she’s nursing a heart condition. But maybe I should try that. “Hey honey, want to meet your beloved for a coffee after work?. . . No? Well your beloved misses you!” …Sounds like the setup for a horror movie.
Stay tuned next week for five full days of TMXS!
May you never be in a relationship that gets to this point:
Have an intimate and affectionate weekend, everybody! Whatever that means to you. Unfortunately for her, it meant some naked time.
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Why don’t you split some more hairs? They’re getting thin enough on top of that big head of yours. Oh wait. Now I’m acting like a bitch.
Be sure to check back on Friday to see the winning quote from our Best Worst Break Up Contest!
Oh dear God.
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This is the stuff of my nightmares.
ThingsMyExSaid will be taking the day off this Friday, because I’m moving from New York City to Scotland! But we’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming. And don’t forget, The Best Worst Break Up Story Contest is still running until September 25th!
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