Yep . . .That IS what he said.

Category Archives: Health

I love a good non sequitur as much as the next geeky humorist, but this one makes no sense.

Drink was druggedExcuse me, miss? He wasn’t talking about anything funny. Unless you’re so disturbed by his news that the only response your brain can handle is to completely deny reality, there’s no reason or excuse for having that be your reply. Shame on you.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


It’s always extra awkward to break up with someone around a major holiday or birthday, anniversary, etc. But when you add in the complication of a terrible disease? The rules of conduct just don’t exist.

(Click to enlarge)

(Click to enlarge)

You want to feel bad for her. And him. But not him. But her. But him. But fuck him! But how can you say fuck him? He has cancer! My brain! It’s melting! My compassion doesn’t know what to do with this situation! I’m going cross-eyed.

How about this. Don’t use people? Period. Live life to the fullest extent you can, and if your fullest life isn’t envisioned with that supportive person, let that person go. Or if you get a new chance at life, live it with integrity… but maybe figure it out before you accept all the birthday presents.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Happy Valentine’s Day! One year ago today this little blog was born. And what a year it’s been! I couldn’t have done it, quite literally, without all of you. Thank you for your quotes and your input! Hopefully we’ve all had a chance to laugh at some cringe-worthy memories and make them a little less painful.

Coming up in 2014 we’ve got some big plans for Things My Ex Said! Stay tuned for guest artists, new levels of horrible exes, and so much more. But first, in honor of the Day of Love, here is the grossest, weirdest, least romantic quote I may have ever read.

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

The non sequitur. The presumption. The….herpes. Who is this person, and how do we keep him from ever telling someone she is “going to have to learn to love” his herpes, ever again? Listen, guy: It doesn’t matter which hole you’re aiming for. Keep that diseased stick and it’s entitled attitude zipped up.

Nobody is going to learn to love your herpes until you love yourself. Happy Valentine’s Day!


It you are having doubts about your relationship, ladies, remember to check your meds first.

You must be on birth control.

Wow honey, you’re right! This doesn’t have anything to do with us as a couple, and your avoidance of answering my question clearly means nothing! It’s just my silly lady hormones clouding my brain and making me moody again! How could I ever take care of myself without you?

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid! And don’t forget to check back tomorrow for the final installment in our Valentine’s Day Countdown!


Sometimes, life gives your relationship a test. In this case, we observe how this boyfriend and girlfriend would fare when it comes to the “in sickness and in health” part of a marriage vow.

heart condition

Yikes. Better luck next time.

We’ll forgive that she refers to herself in the third person as “your beloved” for now, seeing as she’s nursing a heart condition. But maybe I should try that. “Hey honey, want to meet your beloved for a coffee after work?. . . No? Well your beloved misses you!” …Sounds like the setup for a horror movie.

Stay tuned next week for five full days of TMXS!


Love comes with patience and understanding. . .

Ride the rollercoaster

. . . Except when the man you’re dating thinks he’s twelve. You owe her one oversized stuffed animal from the water gun game, buddy!


It’s hard to believe that we are at the end of this year. In fact, it’s been exactly a year since the relationship that sparked ThingsMyExSaid came to an end! What’s different since then? Well, I’m living in another country, studying in a graduate program (never intended to go to grad school… but that’s a story for another day), it’s the longest I’ve been single since I was about 11 (serial monogamist alert), and I’m about to board a plane to spend New Year’s Eve in a country I couldn’t have located on a map until about 3 months ago. And I just accidentally stirred my coffee with a dirty spoon, so now it tastes like onions. We can’t win ’em all.

But the little ticker on my homepage says there are about a thousand of you checking in when I air my and your dirty laundry here on the site every week. And that’s pretty damn cool. I’m having a lot of fun with you guys, and looking forward to a great 2014!

Here is a list of the Top Ten TMXS quotes of 2013. Some quotes are from the early days, that I think many of you may have missed. And some are just too good not to revisit. Cheers, and Happy New Year!

Would you like to see a stupid quote from your own ex digitally immortalized in 2014? Submit your quote today!



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