Don’t you love the getting-to-know-each-other phase? When you can ask all those questions about what pets you like, and where your favorite restaurant is, and whether you believe in soul mates?
I don’t know about you ladies, but I like to go into a first date armed with a list of things I won’t do. Somewhere between the salad and the entrée is usually the right time to mention things like, “You’re never going to do me in the butt, by the way.” If possible, try to wait until he’s taken a big gulp of his drink.
Why don’t you split some more hairs? They’re getting thin enough on top of that big head of yours. Oh wait. Now I’m acting like a bitch.
Be sure to check back on Friday to see the winning quote from our Best Worst Break Up Contest!
The setting goes as follows. Guy asks girl to go on a trip with him. Girl agrees. Trip is booked. Guy gets weird.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
For those of you keeping up with me, the transatlantic move was successful! Henceforth, ThingsMyExSaid will post every Monday-Wednesday-Friday morning in Greenwich Mean Time! Cheers!
Oh dear God.
This is the stuff of my nightmares.
ThingsMyExSaid will be taking the day off this Friday, because I’m moving from New York City to Scotland! But we’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming. And don’t forget, The Best Worst Break Up Story Contest is still running until September 25th!
Not really. Apparently it’s on the table. And that is NOT OKAY!
ThingsMyExSaid is teaming up with author Jerrica Zeron, to celebrate her new book, Axing my Exes: A story of wine, bodies, & baggage…did I already mention wine?. Think you’ve got the best worst break up story? Send in your story and you could win a signed copy of the book! Guess what else you’ll win… a featured comic right here on the site! And the street cred of knowing that you have the best worst break up story ever.
The contest runs until September 25th, so check out all the details right here!
I feel like this is a relationship version of, “All our employees matter to the company, but we’re still considering laying you off in our next downsizing.”
And we all know, when you need something, that’s a responsibility.
Alright. It’s time to learn a strange bit of trivia about me.
So I have this pattern of being dumped when a terrible, horrendous disaster occurs close to my home. Seriously. The guy I’m with realizes the world is going to end and that he’d rather die alone than anywhere near me. The first time this happened, he was my first serious boyfriend in high school. You know, that one.
Usually I like to leave you guessing as to which are the quotes from my own life, and which are reader submissions. But today is a special case. And believe me, I wouldn’t post this quote if I didn’t know with 100% certainly that it was real.
You just can’t make this stuff up, folks. And I suppose, in some small way, that was the start of how ThingsMyExSaid was born.
People like this guy give marijuana a bad rep.
Guess what? I like to drink coffee, but it doesn’t make me tolerate you thinking I’m really that dumb. If she wants you to love her, it’s the responsible thing to encourage and enable you? That’s love? Sounds more like a threat.
Ain’t nobody buying your brand of skunky bullshit today.
Sometimes, after a break up, you get that rare chance to sit down with the person in question and talk through a postmortem of what went wrong.
Translation of the above: “I’ve come to realize that I need to date a lost, sniveling, codependent shell of a woman, so that I don’t feel threatened and can keep her coming back. What I really don’t want is someone who can take care of herself. The fact that she considers herself whole without me totally destroys my perception of self, which is that I need to be bigger than you.”
“. . . . . . . . Right.”