Yep . . .That IS what he said.

Monthly Archives: May 2014

I’ve spent all week reading articles on the terrible shooting in Santa Barbara, and trying to select which ones I would post on behalf of Things My Ex Said. Reading all the comment trails, feeling furious alongside my fellow feminists, soaking in messages of despair and of hope, and all the time asking myself, Why? Why? Why? What can we do? What can I do? Well, here’s this blog, right? I can keep reaching out to the people who have stories to share and helping them heal through laughter and see that they’re not alone.

And each time I’ve lined up an article to post and highlight, and gone to attach it through social media, I’ve just felt sick. And I’ve stopped myself. I couldn’t figure out why–I mean, here I am, trying to grow this little site. Shouldn’t I be feasting on the frenzy of discussion going on right now about gender roles and expectations in our culture? That’s what at least half of these quotes are about!

And there are so many examples here of men expecting women to have sex with them. Of the sense of entitlement that’s in the spotlight right now. Attention is being paid to the injuries that don’t leave bruises or scars. I could have been re-posting comics all week about normative objectification and what happens when we learn misogyny through the movies. But six women are dead. Scores more lives have been shattered. My home country is bleeding. The girls in Nigeria remain captive. The “honor killings” and hangings and gang rapings continue. And a couple weeks ago I was asked for “break up sex”. The absurdity is astounding. And it’s all become too much like a dance we know all the steps to.

I get the irony of posting on here about not wanting to post on here. But since the site says “every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday”, and I missed Wednesday without explanation, I knew it was time to post something. The stories we share on this website–men and women alike, are all part of drawing attention to the Problem. The thoughtless things we say are just that: thoughtless. It’s so easy these days to let someone else do your thinking for you. But no comics today. They are important, but we’ll be back with them on Monday. Laughter can heal, but sometimes you need to cry.

There’s nothing like the special bond of trust between two lovers.

Email 3 months ago

Must be.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


feminine curves

Put on your hat. I can still see your stupid face.

…But that’s just my knee-jerk reaction. Reasons why I’m single?

We’ve talked on this website before about what happens when you put on a “happy couple weight“. But add in the factor that your significant other may be a serial killer?

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They say people at risk for suicide are more likely to go through with it if they have a clear plan.

Guessing the same holds true for killing other people, as well. The joke’s on him, though! Looks like even with a plan it won’t be easy–after all, he would have to use both hands.

Got a stupid ex? Want something they said to live on in digital infamy? Submit your quotes to Things My Ex Said!

A lot of attention is paid to pick-up lines. Particularly, bad pick-up lines. But attention should also be paid to “put-down” lines. There’s an art to letting someone down easy. And a tactless put-down leaves you flat on your ass.

This guy sounds like he took his lessons from classic movies… which, I suppose, isn’t the worst place to draw from. But it earned him no points in the tact department.

Had a good run

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid. Or rather, here’s to not having to look at you ever again.”

Speaking of over, Things My Ex Said: the Cabaret closed to packed houses in Glasgow this weekend! We had a fantastic time. Stay tuned for pictures and video to follow!

One thing I’m a big fan of in relationships is consistency.

tightest lay

Is the lesson here: how quickly one can forget the good times? Or how easy it is to lie when you’re trying to get laid?

Hope you’ve all got your tickets, because tonight’s final performance of Things My Ex Said: the Cabaret is sold out! Can’t wait to play to another packed house in Glasgow tonight! It’s been such a blast, and cannot wait to share some highlights with you folks online, very soon!

When I was younger, I used to think the stereotype of the insufferable mother-in-law was just that: a stereotype. But the more I observe, and the more quotes I receive from readers, the more I wonder whether the issue may actually be more of a two-way street. Ladies, you seem to like to hate on mothers on this site! (And men, you like to make inappropriate physical assertions… but that’s a rant for another day.) I have to say, in the wake of Mother’s Day last weekend, that kind of grinds my gears.

just like your mother

I don’t know what annoys me more: that it’s supposed to be topical and funny to compare a man to his mother, or that the artist shaded this woman’s chin like she’s got a hefty hipster beard growing in. Maybe this man’s mother is a serial killer, or maybe she has Tourette’s, or is a kleptomaniac, or has anger management problems that render the comparison unlikely and droll. But if I was his mother, I’d want him to be a chip off the old block!

. . . Uh oh. Does that mean that I’m going to be like his mother? Or this mother? Oh, Mother.

Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret had a fabulous opening on Monday night! Pictures to come! Still one more chance to see the show, this Friday at 7:30 PM!

Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret opens tonight in Glasgow at Sloan’s! Come see your favorite quotes brought to life and hear some badass 90’s tunes! And you get to meet me in person, which is kinda fun.

I can’t believe we hit 1400 followers just in time for the show! What a great opening day surprise. Thanks, everybody! It makes me so happy you enjoy the site. I enjoy it, too. 🙂

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Tickets are available through the RCS Box Office. See you there!

If there is one archetype that hasn’t changed since the days of Jane Austen, it’s the Guy Who Doesn’t Call.

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Unless finishing House of Cards and wallowing in a resulting sense of general ennui as I try to figure out what to do with my spare time counts as something I’m “going through,” I have no idea what you mean. Am I having an existential crisis I know nothing about? What do you know about me that I don’t know?

Next week is the week! Things My Ex Said: the Cabaret opens Monday May 12th and Friday May 16th, 7:30 PM at Sloan’s in Glasgow! Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret Series. Come see your favorite quotes brought to life by Yours Truly and a fabulous cast!

I see what you’re trying to do here with your feminine wiles. You’re trying to snare me.


Umm… no dude. She probably just wants to know how likely you are to give her an STD.

Come see your favorite quotes brought to life NEXT WEEK in ThingsMyExSaid: the Cabaret! May 12th and 16th, 7:30 PM in the Grand Ballroom at Sloan’s Glasgow. Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret Series.

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