I’ll be taking next week off, folks! I’m traveling around Europe and probably going to be too hungover to even look at a computer screen. But since it’s winter and it’s cold, I wanted to leave you all with warm thoughts. To send us off, here’s a quote that makes me think of the sticky, sweaty, dusty, don’t-touch-me part of summertime.
You’re right. Let me slip into that cute Banana Republic wrap dress I bought on sale for $80 and never wear because I’m afraid I’ll get pit stains in it. That will look great when I give the old mare a rub down.
That’s all for now, folks! Have a happy holiday and a great New Year. And remember, if you want to see quotes from your own misadventures in love up here in 2014, send them in!
I feel like Jeff Foxworthy should have a stand up routine titled, “You just might be a sociopath.”
(click to enlarge)
You’re right. Telling me solves everything. It doesn’t make you a selfish criminal, and it doesn’t highlight how little respect you have for me. I’m so glad you didn’t get wet in the rain, sweetie. Here’s a beer.
You know what really turns me on? Whining.
Why don’t you whine some more and then I’ll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Boys, as Christmas approaches. . . Whenever we say “Oh, don’t be silly, you don’t need to get me anything,” it means “I want to be so special to you that you had to get me something, even though I pretended not to be materialistic when I was trying to get you to stop playing video games and kiss me the other day.” That is what it means.
Consider today’s quote a cautionary tale.
I don’t blame you for not finding the right gift amongst the Spongebob Squarepants socks and blindingly neon lingerie of the mall, but how about flowers, you lazy f*ck?
Sometimes, there’s more drama offstage than on.
I’m going to wager that his thoughts, had we filled in the words instead of a lingering ellipsis, would have been something like this.
This would be one thing if the guy was only, say, twelve years old. Or if they had been hanging out for longer than 45 minutes.
(click to enlarge)
I can hear the taunting from here…. Cowboy Jim likes girls, oooooh!
But seriously, lying is better than admitting I would hang out with you.
This is almost like one of those marketing tactics where you drop a worse bomb so that your bad news doesn’t seem so bad. Almost.
(click to enlarge)
Oh wait. That’s way f*cking worse.
This guy probably had the best of intentions… but he loses all points in the delivery.
“Get ready, because I’m marking you as mine. Your body is about to go to from wonderland to wasteland in five…four…three…two…”
Let’s just hope he can chill out enough to stop thinking of “all other men” while they’re in the bedroom.
What’s the quickest way to end an engagement? This.
(click to enlarge)
Ordinarily, I’d say she was the jerk for looking through his phone. However, when your sneaking suspicion turns out to be right… then it’s just women’s intuition.
thingsmyexsaid 