Sometimes, life gives your relationship a test. In this case, we observe how this boyfriend and girlfriend would fare when it comes to the “in sickness and in health” part of a marriage vow.
Yikes. Better luck next time.
We’ll forgive that she refers to herself in the third person as “your beloved” for now, seeing as she’s nursing a heart condition. But maybe I should try that. “Hey honey, want to meet your beloved for a coffee after work?. . . No? Well your beloved misses you!” …Sounds like the setup for a horror movie.
Stay tuned next week for five full days of TMXS!
You meet someone you like. You crush for a long time. They like you back. Sparks! Victory! Hurrah!
You go on a date. At the end of the night, the moment comes…
Seriously, what is the point? Only prudish granny kissing, please! And when we hold hands, if yours could go for the “limp noodle”, that’d be great.
…And get those fingers out of my hair.
Sometimes your next love interest can feel inadequate when it comes to the people you’ve dated before. Sometimes, that sense of inadequacy leaks out in a defensive jumble.
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Are you though? Are you different? You ended up on this website, so clearly something went wrong. Maybe she needed to realize you were totally insecure.
And she didn’t even get a car. How sad. What good is a relationship without a getaway vehicle?
Trying to get out of the friend zone? Think again.
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Yeah, I know we’ve shared our deepest darkest secrets, hopes, and fears over Starbucks. And I know that you’d make the most considerate, respectful boyfriend, ever. But gingers need not apply.
Eventually, you reach that point in a crumbling relationship where even routine physical intimacy becomes too much of a chore.
Oh wow! Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Honey, you’re a genius. Way to skirt the issue.
Surprise! You’re the “other woman”.
Listen. When I took you out to dinner and brought you home, I thought you were doing that with the knowledge that my soon-to-be-ex-wife will be stopping by in the morning to pick up more of her stuff. Oh, and please disregard her panties hanging up to dry in the bathroom. You didn’t know I still had a wife? Well. That’s your fault. You should have checked my facebook relationship status.
Facepalm.
This might be the worst compliment ever. Not because there is anything wrong with size 4 or any other size out there, but because he’s using the compliment to make himself sound like a better person by hinting that he might be the best she can get.
She might as well have said, “I really love your face. A lot of women don’t like it, but I enjoy being with someone who’s less attractive than me.”
I think this might be the most awkward agreement to dissolve an engagement, ever.
What came next? Awkward silence? That moment when you say, “Wait a minute. . . did we just. . . break up?” (Beat.) “I think so.” ? Or were they just like, “Aight, bye.” ?
The world may never know.
Ever find out that your boyfriend thinks you’re kind of busted looking?
Not our kids. Your kids. Because I wouldn’t touch that with anything but a ten foot pole. Or my penis.
…Let’s hope his kids don’t inherit his tact.
Love comes with patience and understanding. . .
. . . Except when the man you’re dating thinks he’s twelve. You owe her one oversized stuffed animal from the water gun game, buddy!
thingsmyexsaid 