You gotta love the break ups that are full of flattery. “Oh my God. You smell amazing! No no no, don’t get any closer to me or I might throw up. But that smell… wow! You should be really happy with yourself.”
Break Ups 101: Don’t spend the first part of your break up conversation making out with your target.
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You meet someone you like. You crush for a long time. They like you back. Sparks! Victory! Hurrah!
You go on a date. At the end of the night, the moment comes…
Seriously, what is the point? Only prudish granny kissing, please! And when we hold hands, if yours could go for the “limp noodle”, that’d be great.
…And get those fingers out of my hair.
Here we are, on a beautiful moonlit night, wrapped in a passionate kiss.
Because I wouldn’t want you to think this is, like regular Coke or something. As long as we’re clear that this is the aspartame of affection! Nothing real or natural, no substance and no nutritional value. Then sure, you can pop fizz all over my face.