This new year, I think I just might make the resolution to keep my big mouth shut.
Nah… that’s not gonna happen.
You guys. I just caught up on quote submissions over the weekend. And let me tell you. 2014 is going to be a wild ride. You folks have had some terrible relationships! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Boys, as Christmas approaches. . . Whenever we say “Oh, don’t be silly, you don’t need to get me anything,” it means “I want to be so special to you that you had to get me something, even though I pretended not to be materialistic when I was trying to get you to stop playing video games and kiss me the other day.” That is what it means.
Consider today’s quote a cautionary tale.
I don’t blame you for not finding the right gift amongst the Spongebob Squarepants socks and blindingly neon lingerie of the mall, but how about flowers, you lazy f*ck?
Sometimes, there’s more drama offstage than on.
I’m going to wager that his thoughts, had we filled in the words instead of a lingering ellipsis, would have been something like this.
This would be one thing if the guy was only, say, twelve years old. Or if they had been hanging out for longer than 45 minutes.
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I can hear the taunting from here…. Cowboy Jim likes girls, oooooh!
But seriously, lying is better than admitting I would hang out with you.
This is almost like one of those marketing tactics where you drop a worse bomb so that your bad news doesn’t seem so bad. Almost.
(click to enlarge)
Oh wait. That’s way f*cking worse.
This guy probably had the best of intentions… but he loses all points in the delivery.
“Get ready, because I’m marking you as mine. Your body is about to go to from wonderland to wasteland in five…four…three…two…”
Let’s just hope he can chill out enough to stop thinking of “all other men” while they’re in the bedroom.
What’s better than being taken out to dinner by your honey?
I’m all about being as frugal as possible, but if you’re taking someone out? Bitch can get a drank! If you’re that broke, take her on a long romantic walk.
Also, be kind to your waiters. Please don’t shout, “waiter!” Although in the context of this comic it is pretty perfect.
Long distance sucks, folks. We all know it. And college can be a particularly trying time, because every summer you have that pesky vacation when you might have to go home. And then you might not be around to play flipcup with your boyfriend and his fraternity brothers every week.
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Obviously. Who doesn’t want to welcome “the freshman experience” back into into their dorm room? He might as well have just said, “I’d like permission to gain 15 pounds, throw up on myself, and give you an STI in the fall.”
To round out the weekend, I thought I’d level the playing field a bit. Here’s a quote by everyone, ever.
Not even if you and I had the last phones on earth.
It’s really inconvenient when you make me have to destroy the evidence.
I mean, I’d love to share all these conversations with you, but you think I’m being a shifty bastard.
thingsmyexsaid 