You gotta love the break ups that are full of flattery. “Oh my God. You smell amazing! No no no, don’t get any closer to me or I might throw up. But that smell… wow! You should be really happy with yourself.”
Break Ups 101: Don’t spend the first part of your break up conversation making out with your target.
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You meet someone you like. You crush for a long time. They like you back. Sparks! Victory! Hurrah!
You go on a date. At the end of the night, the moment comes…
Seriously, what is the point? Only prudish granny kissing, please! And when we hold hands, if yours could go for the “limp noodle”, that’d be great.
…And get those fingers out of my hair.
Sometimes your next love interest can feel inadequate when it comes to the people you’ve dated before. Sometimes, that sense of inadequacy leaks out in a defensive jumble.
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Are you though? Are you different? You ended up on this website, so clearly something went wrong. Maybe she needed to realize you were totally insecure.
And she didn’t even get a car. How sad. What good is a relationship without a getaway vehicle?
Surprise! You’re the “other woman”.
Listen. When I took you out to dinner and brought you home, I thought you were doing that with the knowledge that my soon-to-be-ex-wife will be stopping by in the morning to pick up more of her stuff. Oh, and please disregard her panties hanging up to dry in the bathroom. You didn’t know I still had a wife? Well. That’s your fault. You should have checked my facebook relationship status.
Facepalm.
This might be the worst compliment ever. Not because there is anything wrong with size 4 or any other size out there, but because he’s using the compliment to make himself sound like a better person by hinting that he might be the best she can get.
She might as well have said, “I really love your face. A lot of women don’t like it, but I enjoy being with someone who’s less attractive than me.”
I think this might be the most awkward agreement to dissolve an engagement, ever.
What came next? Awkward silence? That moment when you say, “Wait a minute. . . did we just. . . break up?” (Beat.) “I think so.” ? Or were they just like, “Aight, bye.” ?
The world may never know.
Love comes with patience and understanding. . .
. . . Except when the man you’re dating thinks he’s twelve. You owe her one oversized stuffed animal from the water gun game, buddy!
If there is one thing exes aren’t good for, it’s swag.
Wait a minute, the next guy you date is supposed to be less of a tool. This is backwards.
Okay. Let’s get one thing straight. She looks good.
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Don’t criticize my hair. That’s my mother’s job.
There’s that heart-fluttering moment when you look at your sweetheart and think, “what a man.”
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. . .Don’t hold your breath.
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