Yep . . .That IS what he said.

Category Archives: Romance

Ah, love. Who doesn’t love to be in love? And to be loved in return? No strings, no ifs or clauses, just pure and simple love.

different definitions of love

Let me guess. His definition involves sleeping with other people.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Ew.

feminine curves

Put on your hat. I can still see your stupid face.

…But that’s just my knee-jerk reaction. Reasons why I’m single?


One thing I’m a big fan of in relationships is consistency.

tightest lay

Is the lesson here: how quickly one can forget the good times? Or how easy it is to lie when you’re trying to get laid?

Hope you’ve all got your tickets, because tonight’s final performance of Things My Ex Said: the Cabaret is sold out! Can’t wait to play to another packed house in Glasgow tonight! It’s been such a blast, and cannot wait to share some highlights with you folks online, very soon!


If you’ve been following TMXS for any length of time, you may have found yourself wondering, “Wow, I wonder what it’s like to actually date this crazy woman? Does anyone dare to? They must just be terrified to say anything in front of her!”

Aren't that interesting

Yep, I’m an asshole, too.

Men I date post TMXS seem to fall into one of 2 categories:
1. They become obsessed with the idea that everything they say will show up on this website. To which the answer is simple: don’t say anything asinine, and you’re safe! Also, luckily, submissions from readers like you are what actually keep this site going. Even my love life isn’t so sad as to warrant 3 quotes a week for 15 months.

2: They are so determined to show me how okay they are with this website, that they submit their own quotes of shitty things their exes have said. This *may* have become my new favorite way to flirt.

Planning a trip to Scotland this month? Of COURSE you are! Come see me bring your favorite quotes to life in ThingsMyExSaid: the Cabaret! May 12th and 16th, 7:30 PM in the Grand Ballroom at Sloan’s Glasgow. Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret Series.


I’m certainly not an advocate for those couples who are glued to their phones and have to send a constant barrage of updates throughout the day: “Snacktime selfie! Miss u!” And I certainly don’t understand the people who actually talk on the phone like it’s the ’90s, when there isn’t an immediate purpose that renders text messaging too unreliable. But when you’re part of an established “us” or “we”, it can be tricky when your communication styles don’t match.

Good morning text

First of all. Who wants the good morning text, really? Morning is when you’re rushing around, probably late (I know I am right now), can’t find your keys, and now you’re going to choose that time to remind her how cute and punctual you are? I mean, okay. If she’s like me, the good morning text will make her all smiley and happy and she’ll take what she can get, pausing to think of what a considerate guy you are, standing there texting her in your boxer shorts…. and great. Now she’s really late.

But to fire off a “good morning” text daily as though it’s as much of a chore as brushing your teeth? That just took all the romance out of my reheated yesterday’s coffee. Either she is extraordinarily insecure and can’t go 6 hours without hearing from you before she breaks down, or you are a robot.

Effective communication is a lot like effective love making– it’s not just as simple as checking the oil, boys!

Rehearsals are in full swing for TMXS: the Cabaret, which performs in Glasgow on May 12th and 16th. Stay tuned for more updates! Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Yes, that is what he’s referring to.

Just sit on it

Apparently sometimes having a big dick can make you a big dick. And that’s called hashtagnotworthit.

The dates have been set for Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret! I’ll be coming to the Grand Ballroom of Sloan’s on May 12th and 16th, at 7:30 PM, 62 Argyll Arcade, 108 Argyll Street, Glasgow, G2 8BG. Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret series. See your favorite quotes from the website come to life, paired with some bitchin’ 90s tunes!

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Adultery is totally cool, but don’t you dare take the name of our Lord in vain.

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Let me clear up one mystery of the mythology of Woman. When we’re little, around 7 or 8 years old, we discover we fall into a category: we can be pretty, or we can be smart. Sometimes, life chooses for us. Other times, it’s a conscious choice we make that shapes the entirety of our lives. But never, never can a girl be both.

More intelligent than I thought

Oh wait. That’s pure and utter bullshit.

Thanks, guy. I’m glad you came in with low expectations!

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


You meet someone you like. You crush for a long time. They like you back. Sparks! Victory! Hurrah!

You go on a date. At the end of the night, the moment comes…

passionate kissing

Seriously, what is the point? Only prudish granny kissing, please! And when we hold hands, if yours could go for the “limp noodle”, that’d be great.

…And get those fingers out of my hair.


Love comes with patience and understanding. . .

Ride the rollercoaster

. . . Except when the man you’re dating thinks he’s twelve. You owe her one oversized stuffed animal from the water gun game, buddy!



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