Yep . . .That IS what he said.

Category Archives: Modern Relationship

This is the male version of playing dress up:

a shit wife“You’re fun to play dress up in, but I wouldn’t actually wear you to the prom.”

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


When Things My Ex Said and Tinder collide… the results are exactly what you’d expect.

thoughts on bondage

Music to bondage? Seems like a reasonable segue to me. Isn’t the “getting to know you” stage grand? At least he got right to the point.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


There’s nothing like the special bond of trust between two lovers.

Email 3 months ago

Must be.

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Ew.

feminine curves

Put on your hat. I can still see your stupid face.

…But that’s just my knee-jerk reaction. Reasons why I’m single?


I see what you’re trying to do here with your feminine wiles. You’re trying to snare me.

Entrapment

Umm… no dude. She probably just wants to know how likely you are to give her an STD.

Come see your favorite quotes brought to life NEXT WEEK in ThingsMyExSaid: the Cabaret! May 12th and 16th, 7:30 PM in the Grand Ballroom at Sloan’s Glasgow. Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret Series.


If you’ve been following TMXS for any length of time, you may have found yourself wondering, “Wow, I wonder what it’s like to actually date this crazy woman? Does anyone dare to? They must just be terrified to say anything in front of her!”

Aren't that interesting

Yep, I’m an asshole, too.

Men I date post TMXS seem to fall into one of 2 categories:
1. They become obsessed with the idea that everything they say will show up on this website. To which the answer is simple: don’t say anything asinine, and you’re safe! Also, luckily, submissions from readers like you are what actually keep this site going. Even my love life isn’t so sad as to warrant 3 quotes a week for 15 months.

2: They are so determined to show me how okay they are with this website, that they submit their own quotes of shitty things their exes have said. This *may* have become my new favorite way to flirt.

Planning a trip to Scotland this month? Of COURSE you are! Come see me bring your favorite quotes to life in ThingsMyExSaid: the Cabaret! May 12th and 16th, 7:30 PM in the Grand Ballroom at Sloan’s Glasgow. Part of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland’s Candid Cabaret Series.


I don’t even know if this can qualify as a backhanded compliment, as I have yet to see where the “compliment” part is. I guess she’s tall?

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(Click to enlarge)

Ugh. How many shades of this man are we going to see on this website? Men, can you get it through your heads that alluding to someone being too fat is just not okay? Yes, even if you are a doctor. Save it for the clinic. You leave me to imagine that you think I’m pretty, and I’ll leave you to imagine it’s okay to have two chocolate croissants for breakfast. And we’ll both die of the American Condition early, but happy.

Or, you know, keep picking on your loved one’s nose and thighs and feet and upper arms. What do I know? I’m just a voice on the internet.

Speaking of voice, rehearsals for Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret are going great!!! I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it! Performing on Monday, 12 May and  Friday, 16 May at 7:30 PM at the Grand Ballroom in Sloan’s, Glasgow. Come see your favorite quotes brought to life against a backdrop of badass 90’s tunes. Tickets on sale now!

Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


I’m certainly not an advocate for those couples who are glued to their phones and have to send a constant barrage of updates throughout the day: “Snacktime selfie! Miss u!” And I certainly don’t understand the people who actually talk on the phone like it’s the ’90s, when there isn’t an immediate purpose that renders text messaging too unreliable. But when you’re part of an established “us” or “we”, it can be tricky when your communication styles don’t match.

Good morning text

First of all. Who wants the good morning text, really? Morning is when you’re rushing around, probably late (I know I am right now), can’t find your keys, and now you’re going to choose that time to remind her how cute and punctual you are? I mean, okay. If she’s like me, the good morning text will make her all smiley and happy and she’ll take what she can get, pausing to think of what a considerate guy you are, standing there texting her in your boxer shorts…. and great. Now she’s really late.

But to fire off a “good morning” text daily as though it’s as much of a chore as brushing your teeth? That just took all the romance out of my reheated yesterday’s coffee. Either she is extraordinarily insecure and can’t go 6 hours without hearing from you before she breaks down, or you are a robot.

Effective communication is a lot like effective love making– it’s not just as simple as checking the oil, boys!

Rehearsals are in full swing for TMXS: the Cabaret, which performs in Glasgow on May 12th and 16th. Stay tuned for more updates! Got a stupid ex? Want to see his or her quote up here in anonymous infamy? Submit your quote to ThingsMyExSaid!


Okay guys, confession time! I dropped off the radar. And no, I didn’t care enough to call. The irony of my website is now complete, and I’ve turned into that guy.

I went home to New York City for reasons both professional and personal, and was quite frankly just having too much fun to dwell on all our shitty exes. Actually, that’s not true. There’s been a lot of work done on TMXS behind the scenes in my absence. Things My Ex Said: The Cabaret goes up next month! And we’ve been planning our presence this summer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! And maybe I got laid. That’s a big enough deal to forget all responsibility and commitments for, like, a month, right?

And so, in the spirit of self-interest, I bring you this guy:

decisions considering myself

There you have it, folks! Took him five years to figure out he should be living for himself. What a genius. I wonder how much longer it will take for her to figure out the same…

Man, it’s great to be back to our regularly scheduled sarcasm. I hope you’ve been enjoying the spring fever and making smart choices. But if you haven’t, you can still submit your quotes here and see them resurrected here on the website!


Either she is fierce, or he needs to calm down.

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(click to enlarge)

I’m sorry. You’re cooking for her? And you’re cooking something that requires some kind of preparation? I think you’re doing just fine. And if not… I’ll eat it! Just saying.



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