I’ve spent all week reading articles on the terrible shooting in Santa Barbara, and trying to select which ones I would post on behalf of Things My Ex Said. Reading all the comment trails, feeling furious alongside my fellow feminists, soaking in messages of despair and of hope, and all the time asking myself, Why? Why? Why? What can we do? What can I do? Well, here’s this blog, right? I can keep reaching out to the people who have stories to share and helping them heal through laughter and see that they’re not alone.
And each time I’ve lined up an article to post and highlight, and gone to attach it through social media, I’ve just felt sick. And I’ve stopped myself. I couldn’t figure out why–I mean, here I am, trying to grow this little site. Shouldn’t I be feasting on the frenzy of discussion going on right now about gender roles and expectations in our culture? That’s what at least half of these quotes are about!
And there are so many examples here of men expecting women to have sex with them. Of the sense of entitlement that’s in the spotlight right now. Attention is being paid to the injuries that don’t leave bruises or scars. I could have been re-posting comics all week about normative objectification and what happens when we learn misogyny through the movies. But six women are dead. Scores more lives have been shattered. My home country is bleeding. The girls in Nigeria remain captive. The “honor killings” and hangings and gang rapings continue. And a couple weeks ago I was asked for “break up sex”. The absurdity is astounding. And it’s all become too much like a dance we know all the steps to.
I get the irony of posting on here about not wanting to post on here. But since the site says “every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday”, and I missed Wednesday without explanation, I knew it was time to post something. The stories we share on this website–men and women alike, are all part of drawing attention to the Problem. The thoughtless things we say are just that: thoughtless. It’s so easy these days to let someone else do your thinking for you. But no comics today. They are important, but we’ll be back with them on Monday. Laughter can heal, but sometimes you need to cry.
thingsmyexsaid 
Orlando Segarra
Break up sex? Really??
Are men really that absurd???
I’ve never felt like I was an unreasonable person, but I hear that a lot of guys do act this way, which has dumbfounded me, because I cannot imagine what would motivate someone to do or say these stupid things. To act so entitled. Why? I don’t get it. If anything, I’ve always been grateful! It makes me wonder, who are these guys, and why are they acting like this? And I keep hearing all these stories from women, and now of course the debate has sparked yet again due to another senseless tragedy… of course “society” is to blame.
But we are society, right?
Personally I respect women, but I understand my primal side as well, and I find that I can show some of that side to the amazing women who trust me and allow me to be intimate with them, but these moments are (sadly) few and far between. Yet there are men out there who just act like mindless beasts, controlling, manipulating, and guess what? They get women.
I respect women, and I don’t “get” women. I’m not saying that because I feel sorry for myself, I don’t, I am entirely comfortable in my own skin, and damn the torpedoes and all that. Frankly, I wouldn’t be comfortable taking on the role of “the hunter” anyways, but I’m not talking about it simply in terms of sexuality altho yes, that is a big part of it, we are still in this process called evolution after all, I mean these guys seem to have no shortage of women clamoring to be by their side, to spend meaningful time with them, and yet respectful guys are often relegated to months (years) of loneliness and feelings of ineptitude.
So part of me is like, if these guys are such assholes, then why allow them into your lives, and shut out the ones that actually care and respect you?
Society? Misogyny? Who’s perpetuating this? Men? Women? Who’s objectifying who???
I don’t think it’s that simple. But then again, it never is. Life exists in the gray. There are thoughtless men and women, and there are many thoughtful men and women, I think part of the trouble is we only hear about the negatives, we never extol the positive examples (and there are many) of men and women who respect each other and live happy lives together. We only hear of the ones that make the news. And these are the sickos.
The tragedy in Santa Barbara was a result of mental illness, not misogyny. The words, the video, those are just symptoms of a bigger problem. And I’m not even talking gun laws, altho, yes, tragedies like this will continue to happen as long as people are allowed to freely own and operate firearms. That is a symptom too.
The real problem is a mental health issue. This world is weird, beautiful place full of sick people. Everyone is sick. We all feel inadequate and ashamed, and broken. We all have things in our past we regret. We’re all trying to stake our claim. We are all trying to live beyond our lives, whether through accomplishments or heredity. Survival of the fittest.
So much attention is given to our physical health (and yes, that too is important) but nobody seems to care about our Mental Health. We dismiss problems, or throw pills at them, instead of dealing with the core issues of our struggle. And as long as people feel lost and afraid, they will continue to harm others, whether it be through violence, or sex, or words… it all comes from a place of fear. It sounds cliche to say Love is the answer, but it is, not romantic love necessarily, but empathy.
A healthy mind provides balance, well-being, it allows you to connect with others on a meaningful level, to respect others because you’ve learned to respect and love yourself. My mom always taught me that. I have to love myself and respect myself before I can think of loving someone else. She also taught me that my rights end where another person’s rights begin. She was a smart lady. I’ve tried to live my life as close to that as possible.
I consider myself a movie nerd, and I don’t feel like I learned any misogyny through movies, same as I never learned to be Batman through movies, but I understand your point. Thankfully, there is a burgeoning wave of good media rippling through society, ready to help us learn. This site and others like it can be and are part of the therapy. Catharsis. We see ourselves in the actions of others, and we learn from our mistakes. We’ve all been there. We’re all still growing up. It just takes some of us longer than others. But with a good support system, and open avenues of communication, we can be part of the solution. We are “society,” after all. We have the power to change. Whether this change is positive or negative is entirely up to us.
And you’re doing a bang up job on here, btw. You are awesome. And you deserve respect. Everybody does.
Keep up the good work!
Sorry for the long comment, I should’ve just said something succinct like, “we just need to respect each other more” but I figured, a world full of such extremes and hyperbole sometimes merits a more circuitous discussion.
Cheers!
pharmamike
“So part of me is like, if these guys are such assholes, then why allow them into your lives, and shut out the ones that actually care and respect you?
Society? Misogyny? Who’s perpetuating this? Men? Women? Who’s objectifying who???”
I could ignore this, but I feel I should try and enlighten you. This is typical “nice guy” bullshit. “Baww…why don’t girls like me? I’m so nice! Why do they like jerks?!” They like jerks because they’re confident and confidence is attractive. “Respectful” guys aren’t relegated to “months of loneliness.” Pussies with no self esteem are. Grow a pair and maybe you’ll “get” women.
Ann St. Vincent
“So easy today to let someone else do your thinking for you”. Huzzah!
foundfootageblog
I think you made an excellent connection between the attitude behind the sad event in the news, and the subject of your blog. We need to continue to be aware of misogyny that is so embedded in our culture that most of the time many people don’t even notice it.