I love a good non sequitur as much as the next geeky humorist, but this one makes no sense.
Excuse me, miss? He wasn’t talking about anything funny. Unless you’re so disturbed by his news that the only response your brain can handle is to completely deny reality, there’s no reason or excuse for having that be your reply. Shame on you.
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Ah, modern standards of beauty.
“You’re no cartoon face of a corporate brand, but I could still eat.”
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There are just some things you can’t re-gift. Check that. There are many things you can’t re-gift.
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Seriously, guy, what part of that seemed like a good idea? No, she doesn’t want your ex-girlfriend’s bling. No, she doesn’t want to know you keep your ex-girlfriend’s bling. Yes, you’re probably going to have to surprise her with a real present to make up for this.
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It’s always extra awkward to break up with someone around a major holiday or birthday, anniversary, etc. But when you add in the complication of a terrible disease? The rules of conduct just don’t exist.
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You want to feel bad for her. And him. But not him. But her. But him. But fuck him! But how can you say fuck him? He has cancer! My brain! It’s melting! My compassion doesn’t know what to do with this situation! I’m going cross-eyed.
How about this. Don’t use people? Period. Live life to the fullest extent you can, and if your fullest life isn’t envisioned with that supportive person, let that person go. Or if you get a new chance at life, live it with integrity… but maybe figure it out before you accept all the birthday presents.
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Sometimes, you meet someone who’s just a little bit too much like one of your exes. Or that bully from middle school. Or someone who is in no way related to you.
So… like, he’s married?
Just kidding. But seriously, if your brother (or sister) snagged a catch like her, what’s the problem? Unless his sister in law is a neurotic hag known for her fiendish halitosis.
This is the male version of playing dress up:
“You’re fun to play dress up in, but I wouldn’t actually wear you to the prom.”
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Ah, love. Who doesn’t love to be in love? And to be loved in return? No strings, no ifs or clauses, just pure and simple love.
Let me guess. His definition involves sleeping with other people.
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It’s great when you feel secure in the knowledge that your partner loves you just the way you are.
Or that. While you’re at it, if you could lose the weight, bleach your hair, grow some tits, and fix your teeth…. yeah, that would be okay.
Happy Friday! This weekend’s challenge is to not be an asshole. Good luck! I see I have already failed.
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Not to knock the power of prayer, or any sort of spirituality… But when you’re dissolving an engagement, the futility of your messages to God aren’t going to make her feel any better.
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Yeah, “sorry” isn’t gonna cut it, either.
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When Things My Ex Said and Tinder collide… the results are exactly what you’d expect.
Music to bondage? Seems like a reasonable segue to me. Isn’t the “getting to know you” stage grand? At least he got right to the point.
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