There are several elements to this submission that (for me, at least) make it one of our most confusing, ever.
Wait a minute… did he just accuse her of being a rapist? Is she a rapist? If the genders were reversed, would we perceive this scenario differently? Somehow, since she was the one who submitted this quote, I suspect she had no idea he wasn’t into their physical relationship. But seriously. What the hell is going on there? Why was he having sex with her? Guys, gals, folks in between: don’t have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with! Relationships are complicated enough.
Or what if she was, like, his dominatrix or something, and this was part of their role play….
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Gag.
Ohmigosh! As a matter of fact, it was! How’d you guess? You must read my mind. That’s because we are purrrrfect together. Best pickup line, ever! Here are my panties.
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Fatalistic, much? 
Listen, honey. It’s me or solitude for the rest of your life. Peace out.
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I’m having trouble following his logic.
I suppose we can’t blame him for trying. Wait a minute. Yes, we can.
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Girl dates boy. Boy dumps girl. Boy gets beat up in a fight. Boy asks girl to come see him in the hospital. Girl takes an hour-long taxi ride by herself to come visit boy.
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Boy either wore off the meds, or fails at expressing himself, completely.
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In every casual dating situation, there comes that moment when it’s time to take the next step and become exclusive.
…Or not.
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May that little hardened lump of carbon bring him much happiness. This lady will never look at the Tiffany’s shop window in the same way again.
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I love a good non sequitur as much as the next geeky humorist, but this one makes no sense.
Excuse me, miss? He wasn’t talking about anything funny. Unless you’re so disturbed by his news that the only response your brain can handle is to completely deny reality, there’s no reason or excuse for having that be your reply. Shame on you.
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Ah, modern standards of beauty.
“You’re no cartoon face of a corporate brand, but I could still eat.”
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There are just some things you can’t re-gift. Check that. There are many things you can’t re-gift.
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Seriously, guy, what part of that seemed like a good idea? No, she doesn’t want your ex-girlfriend’s bling. No, she doesn’t want to know you keep your ex-girlfriend’s bling. Yes, you’re probably going to have to surprise her with a real present to make up for this.
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thingsmyexsaid 